Cylons: 0 Earth:
by veritygrey
Summary: What happens when the Cylons meet the inhabitants of Earth? Earth wins of course!
1. Earth: 1

Cylons: 0, Earth: …

Absolutely none of the TV shows, books, movies or characters featured in the following chapters belongs to me.

Earth: 1.

Denny Crane slowly lowered the rifle, glancing around the almost silent offices of Crane, Poole and Schmitt. In the conference room, he could see Shirley, gesturing with a switchblade at a large group of people. Denise was at the door, watching the now still intruder. Movement caught Denny's eye. Brad, pistol in hand, was checking offices, calming people as he went. For a second, they looked at each other, then nodded, one marksman to another.

Denny frowned, he'd seen Shirley, and Paul was out for the day. Where was Alan? The elevator doors pinged, bringing Denny's attention to them. Alan Shore stepped out, ignored the smoking corpse on the floor and strode over to Denny. As he reached him, Alan said, "Denny, I thought you got rid of that rifle. We had a chat about it, remember? No more guns at the office."

"This is a different rifle. And you said guns. This is my only one."

"Perhaps so. But explosive rounds? In a confined space?"

"It worked, didn't it?"

Denny glanced down, the over at the conference room. Shirley was watching him through the glass. He cocked the rifle, placing his foot on his newest prize.

"Damn cylons. Denny Crane."

reviews are like the sun, they really brighten my day.


	2. Earth: 2

Cylons: 0, Earth: …

Disclaimer: see chapter one.

Earth 2 (or, What do you know? _Independence Day_, actually worked!)

Boomer frowned at the paper she'd been writing on. Instead of a parts list, it was covered in odd symbols and equations. None of it made any sense to her. She frowned again. She had the weirdest feeling, like she was supposed to figure it out. For a moment Boomer thought she could almost understand what the numbers meant. She wondered when, where she'd seen it, last week, maybe. Around the time the Cylons started crashing. They still didn't know what was causing it. Maybe Doctor Baltar could understand it. She made her way to his lab, puzzling over the equation. Boomer knocked on the open hatch.

"Doctor Baltar? Do you have a minute?"

"Of course Lieutenant Valerii. What did you want?"

"Have you ever heard of P vs. NP?"

BSG 2003/Numb3rs crossover

_AN: Earth 1 is crossed with Boston Legal._

Reviews are like good chocolates, one is never enough.


	3. Earth: 3

Earth: 3

Disclaimer: see chapter one.

BSG 2003/Stephanie Plum crossover.

"Wow."

"I know."

"Wow."

"I know."

"There's not a scratch on it. And that thing is toast! It looks worse than some of your other cars."

"I know."

Stephanie put her head between her knees. She'd been in car accidents before, but not like this. She was never saying a bad word about the Buick, ever again. Lula finally stopped examining the car and sat next to Stephanie.

"Who do you think will get here first? Morelli, or Ranger?"

"I don't care. I'm going to my mothers and not leaving for a week."

"Sounds good to me."

"My mother's going to freak. Do you think there are jobs going at the button factory?"

"Probably."

They were quiet for a moment, both staring at the crumpled heap in front of the Buick.

"I think you should drive the Buick all the time. Even Bob can't hurt the Buick."

Stephanie thought about it.

"You might have a point. Hitting a robot didn't even leave a scratch. Do you think it'd be weird if I wanted to sleep in the Buick?"

"We just hit a robot. Go for it."

Reviews are like sunrises, if we're lucky, there's a new one everyday.


	4. Earth: 4

Cylons: 0, Earth: 4

Disclaimer: None of the following TV shows, movies, or their character belong to me.

Earth: 4

A BSG 2003/ The Mask crossover

Seven and Four were worried. Model Six was acting very, oddly. Her previous body had been investigating a planet a scout had found. Instead of debriefing, however, Six had refused to even talk about it. She refused to explain how her previous body had died, or why she had spent the first hour mumbling to her self in the corner. She refused to explain what a conga line was, or why centurions would be in one. She refused to explain her sudden hatred for music and all things green. "God", Six said, "knew. If he wanted them to know, they would." Until then, they would just have to deal.

Reviews are like caffeine, they make you happy.


	5. Earth: 5

Earth: 5…

Disclaimer: see chapter 1

Just in time for Talk Like a Pirate Day, September 19, my BSG 2003/Pirates of the Caribbean crossover. Enjoy!

"Is it dead?"

"I think co, Cap'n. It does have a cannon ball in its chest."

""Quite so Gibbs, quite so."

The two men stared down at the shiny, metal, _thing_.

"I should think Gibbs, that nothing can live very long without its head."

Gibbs nodded. "You do have a point Cap'n and we do have an axe."

"Indeed we do Mr Gibbs. And if that doesn't work…"

"Yes Cap'n?"

"Davy Jones might like a shiny new toy, savvy?"

"Aye Cap'n."

Jack turned away, trying to remember how much rum they had on board. He paused and spun around.

"Once that , thing, is off my ship, set a course for Tortuga."

"Tortuga Cap'n?"

"Supplies Gibbs. We're going to need more rum."

Thanks to every one who reviewed!

(Happy birthday to Indra for the 20th)


	6. Earth 6

Cylons 0: Earth …

BSG 2003/Heroes crossover

Disclaimer: see previous chapters.

Earth: 6

Six stared at the man in front of her. He was average. She hadn't spared him a second glance until he'd picked her up, shaken her like a rag doll and slammed her into the alley wall. With out ever touching her.

"You're different. You're... something else."

He was watching her, head tilted slightly. Like a cat figuring out the best way to get the mouse.

"You're not human. What are you?"

Six spat at him.

"What are you?!"

The man smiled. Six felt something warm run slowly down her face.

"I am, Syler."

The end!

Been a while, I know. Please review


	7. Earth 7

Earth: 7, Cylons: 0

Chapter 7

A BSG 03/Dresden Files crossover.

Disclaimer: see previous chapters.

Karrin Murphy peered around the corner at the corridor beyond. It was filled with thick smoke, coming from four piles of metal littering the floor. Occasionally, sparks, or a lick of flame would rise from one of the piles, illuminating the area. She turned back to the man next to her.

"Nice job Dresden. I think this just about covers all those computers you've fried over the years."

Harry Dresden, investigator, wizard and bad news to anything built after the 1950's, grinned at her.

"That's me, your friendly neighbourhood techno-jinx. Invading robots are extra. No credit cards please."

Behind them, one of the piles began burning properly, sending up more smoke.

The end.


	8. Earth: 8

Cylons: 0, Earth:

Disclaimer: see previous chapters

Earth 8

Six stared at the rabbit in front of her. It was grey and white, and eating a carrot. It was also standing upright, holding the carrot in one hand. It pointed to a nearby sign.

It said 'LOOK UP'. Six looked up.

Bugs sighed, shaking his head as he stepped around the anvil half buried in the ground. These 'cylons' weren't nearly as much fun as he'd hoped they would be. Maybe he'd put Marvin onto them. At least then, the Martian would have something better to do, than chase him around all day.

The end.

A BSG 03/ Loony Toons crossover.


	9. Earth 9

Cylons: 0, Earth:

Disclaimer: see previous chapters.

Earth 9

A BSG 03/Helsing crossover.

Six smiled to herself as the sounds of gunfire and screams drifted down the stairs. Soon, the soldiers would be dead, one less army to deal with. The foyer she stood in, was well lit and though sunlight came in through the open doors, it seemed to darken, filling with shadows. The screams faded, leaving only the faint rustle of clothe behind her. Six spun around. Nothing. A voice spoke from the darkness.

"Realising control restrictions to level three. Controls to remain open until threat is neutralised."

Six turned slowly, taking in the crowding darkness. At first, there was nothing, then a gleam of light, reflecting from round, yellow tinted glasses. A man, dressed in a red suit, emerged, no, formed from the shadows. He smiled at her, pulling a shining, silver gun from his coat.

"In the name of God, impure souls of the living dead shall be banished into eternal damnation. Amen."

The end.


	10. Earth 10, 11

Cylons: 0, Earth: 10

Earth: 11

A BSG/Torchwood crossover.

Disclaimer: see previous chapters.

Chapter 10.

Jack Harkness watched the woman at the bar. She was tall, blonde, and though Jack had known beautiful and sexy women before, she made it hard to remember even their names. He'd smiled as she danced, was hit on, and generally seemed to have had fun. But now, he had some business to take care of. He finished his drink, put his coat on and walked up to the bar. He put his arm around the blonde, and with the air of someone asking –your place or mine?- Jack leaned in to whisper in her ear.

"I thought we'd talked about this?"

The end.


	11. Earth 12

Cylons: 0, Earth: …

A BSG/X-men crossover

Disclaimer: see previous chapters

Earth: 12

Logan glanced up at the figure, walking through the rain. He took a cigar from his pocket and lit it, waiting until the man joined him under the shop awning before exhaling smoke. The man glared at Logan, but neither spoke. Lightning flashed, and Logan counted out the seconds under his breath.

One… two… three… the thunder was loud, it had to be, to be heard over the pounding rain. Even with the downpour, the smell of overheated metal hung in the air. Logan watched the small river, contained by the gutter, carry a plastic flamingo down the road.

"You know, Eric, if you'd been on time, you could've had some tin cans of your own." He smirked at the wet man. "But Storm got bored."

The end…


	12. Earth 13

Cylons: 0, Earth: …

A BSG/ Bionic Woman crossover

Disclaimer: No setting, character or TV show belongs to me in anyway, shape or form.

Earth: 13

Six sat up, abruptly, jolted into wakefulness by fear. The somehow distorted download had been nightmarish towards the end. There had been this woman…

Six's previous Self had found Earth, had walked among the humans. There had been a woman…

Six grabbed the arm of a passing Nine.

"Find out if Starbuck's one of the others."

Jamie Sommers stared at the blood covering the ground in front of her and tried not to think about what Bledsoe would say. They'd been told to bring the mystery woman in, not kill her.

"I thought we'd talked about your homicidal tendencies?"

Sarah Corvus just shrugged.

"She was pissing me off."

The end…


	13. Earth 14

Cylons: 0, Earth:…

Earth: 14

A BSG/Heroes crossover

Disclaimer: see previous chapters

Six smiled at the destruction the centurions had made of the city. This trip was going much better than the last one. Her smile faltered as she remembered the man, perfectly ordinary, until he'd killed her. She pushed the memory away and turned to watch the centurions destroy yet more of the human's vehicles. As she looked on, however, the centurions paused, stopped completely, and came to attention. Six ordered them to continue, ordered them to find more humans, ordered them to move, but they were closed to her. And then she heard it. a single centurion, marching through the streets. She watched it approach, and saw the strangest thing she'd seen in a long time. A young boy, curly-haired and dark skinned, holding the centurions hand. The boy smiled up at her, innocent and satisfied and utterly frightening.

"They're just computers. And I'm really good with computers."

The end…


	14. Earth 15

Cylons: 0, Earth:15

A BSG03/Get Smart crossover

Disclaimer: in no way, shape or form.

Earth:15

One-by-one, the reinforced blast doors slid open, dropping their loads noisily on the floor. Crushed, broken, in places almost severed, the metal figures sparked and twitched but otherwise, did not move. How the hostile machines had gotten in, no one knew, they were just glad the doors had managed to stop them. The man at the front of the watching crowd turned to his companion.

"What do you think 99? Could KAOS have sent them?"

"I don't think so Max."

The end.

Thanks for all the reviews!


	15. Earth 16

Cylons:0, Earth:…

A BSG/Seven Ancient Wonders crossover.

Disclaimer: in no way shape or form.

Cylons:0, Earth: 16

Six grabbed at the consol as the floor shifted, sideways and down. More alarms sounded; the fire had spread to several new decks while others had been exposed to vacuum. Six cursed the humans out loud, the first attack had gone well, and the raiders had stopped all of Earth's missiles. Except for one. Somehow, it had gone unnoticed by the raiders, by the basestar's defences, by everything. And somehow, impossibly, in a single hit, the lone missile had destroyed both FTL drive and sublight engines. She had traced the missile back, and sent raiders after the people who had crippled her. None of them even made it into atmosphere. It seemed nothing could stop these primitives. She couldn't even retreat.

On the planet below, the Americans looked up at the burning star and cursed, because it wasn't their doing.

The Vatican looked up and crossed them selves, thanking God it wasn't them. Because there are no atheists in a foxhole, but only if you know it's a fox hole, and they'd have had no way to tell.

In seven small countries across the world, men and women thanked God, praised Allah, and raised toasts for Jack West Jnr.

Aboard the basestar, speakers on every floor played the various frequencies Earth used. As the basestar broke up around her, Six listened to the transmissions from the small continent that had broken her ship. Driven by internet gossip and unrestrained messaging, a thousand voices gleefully, proudly chorused;

"Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder?

You better run, you better take cover!"

The end.

Jack West is the hero in Matthew Reilly's, Seven Ancient Wonders. To stop the world from being burnt to a crisp, certain items must be taken to a certain place and certain things done, words said. If the words are changed slightly, the nation the person belongs to succeeds in everything they for the next thousand years- be it war, or peace. Jack, along with representatives from other smaller countries search for the items, ahead of the Vatican and the USA. They almost don't get there in time, but Jack tricks a terrorist into doing the ritual for him. Since Jack is Australian, this means Australia is the most powerful country on Earth. If only it knew.

The sequel: Six Sacred Stones, came out in November.

sorry about harping on about him, but MR is one of my favourite authors, and he's Australian!


	16. Earth 17

Cylons: 0, Earth: …

A BSG2003/Witchblade crossover.

Disclaimer: in no way, shape or form.

Earth: 17

To say that Sara Pezzini was pissed by her Captain's order not to leave the station, was an understatement. The fact that Danny and Jake agreed just made it worse. To say that she had mixed feelings when Nottingham delivered Gabriel Bowman, without a scratch, despite the new cylon head strapped to the motorbike, was also an understatement. On one hand, she was grateful for Nottingham bringing her friend to the safety of the station, on the other, she was almost insanely jealous. Instead of being stuck on guard duty, feeling useless, Nottingham got to ride around (on what looked suspiciously like her bike,) killing cylons. For a moment, Pezzini felt the urge to leave, to go and break something. But the safety of her friends and the civilians hiding in the station kept her from giving in to it. Sara nodded her thanks to Nottingham and turned away, opening the precinct door for Gabriel. A hand reached for hers and Pezzini watched as Notting ham dropped the bike keys on to her palm.

"I will watch over your friends Sara. Good hunting."

Nottingham bowed and ushered the waiting Gabriel in to the station, closing the door behind him. Sara Pezzini looked at the keys, then at the bike and smiled to herself as the Witchblade, warm against her wrist, showed her where the first group of cylons were.

The End.


	17. Earth :18

Cylons : 0, Earth : ...

A BSG/Dark Knight crossover

Disclaimer: see previous chapters

Earth : 18

Six stalks down the dark streets, enjoying the destruction the Basestar had caused. She liked this city, with its people so ready to fear her. She liked how easy it had been to isolate the city, how easy to take control. She doesn't like the Tower, looming over the city like some silent guardian. She doesn't like City's commissioner, or the Tower's general, who aren't scared of her at all, and warn her about the night, the dark night.

Six stops at a crossroad, suddenly aware of something attacking the centurions, something low and dark and fast. And then the street lights go out. One by one, down every street, until she's standing in a shadow four blocks wide. She turns, straining to hear whoever is out there. Then the shadow shifts, deepens, becomes just for a moment, a man. A man dressed like a bat. And Six realises, she's all alone. Just her and the dark knight.

The End

A/N : Saw Dark Knight on the weekend, loved it!


	18. Earth: 19

Cylons 0, Earth: …

A Battlestar Galactica/ Terminator: the Sarah Conner Chronicles Crossover

Disclaimer: see previous chapters

Earth: 19

It's one of those days, where John can pretend everything's normal. That his mother's not a fugitive, that Cameron's just a teenage girl, that the world's not in danger. He can pretend that homework, school and weather or not he'll pass his driving test are the biggest worries he's got. It's been a good day, it's Friday, John's pretty sure he aced a pop quiz and Cameron's finally got the hang of dodge-ball. They're walking home, the sun is out and some one's playing their radio loud enough to hear it on the street. It takes ten seconds for it all to go to hell.

At first, John doesn't even realise Cameron's not next to him, that she's crossed the street. He turns, spotting her just in time to see her pull a short, blond man in a Hawaiian shirt in to an alley and snap his neck. She throws the body further down the alley and strolls calmly out, recrossing the street to stand beside John.

"Some machines weren't made by Skynet. They pretend to be human and forget they're machines. They forget they were built, not born. The dogs don't bark, and then they kill everyone."

The End


	19. Earth: 20

Cylons: 0, Earth: ...

A BattleStar Galactica/ Full Metal Alchemist crossover.

Disclaimer: see previous chapters.

Earth: 20

* * *

They had thought it would be easy, conquering this tiny, backwater planet. The people here were such an interesting mix of technology and superstition. Six had laughed when the young man with the metal arm had told her about Alchemy and challenged her to some kind of duel. His armoured brother had been interesting, but still, hardly worth her time.

It was the boys fault, she knew. Sometimes, Six wondered if maybe, just maybe God was playing some kind of cosmic joke on them, on _her_. The twitchy little man had turned nearly two hundred centurions in to toasters. _Toasters_. The shiny little boxes littered the ground in front of her. If there was a joke, Six didn't think it was very funny.

* * *

The End.

Written by request for Sean Malloy-1.

Perhaps not technically Earth, (I've only seen four episodes,) but I think it works.

Tell me what you think!


	20. Earth: 21

Cylons: 0, Earth: ...

A BSG/Home Improvement crossover

Disclaimer: see previous chapters

Earth : 21

* * *

The explosion was large, and for regular viewers, not entirely unexpected. The smoke took a few minutes to clear, revealing a pair of scorched metal feet. The two men grimaced at each other and waited for the applause to stop before they stepped around the still faintly smouldering feet, to stand behind the long metal bench.

"Guess we added too much sulphur... OK, that's we have time for today! Next week on Tool Time, we'll show you how to make a handy anti-cylon weapon, by turbo-charging a Binford 4000 nail-gun. Al here happens to be a pretty good shot."

"Thanks Tim."

* * *

End


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